Daily Archives: February 12, 2013


Normally, before I start to write a post, I have the title all picked out. Today however, so many possibilities:

  1. Remember when your mother told you not to go out without clean underwear?
  2. Uncovered at 61
  3. My First Time
  4. Oil, Oil, Toil and Trouble
  5. Step two to Ladyboyhood
  6. Golfer’s Massage

However, as you can see, I went with Bird. Meet Bird.

Meet Bird - My Masseuse

Meet Bird – My Masseuse

Today, after a morning of wandering and touring, Terry went off for a pedicure/shoulder massage and I came back to the hotel. We met at 3:45 at the bar across the street for a drink. Me: “How was your massage?” Terry: “Very different from last night – much less gentle. Did last night (Ed. note: Thai massage) do anything for you?” Me: “Not too much, although my feet feel much better” Terry: “Well, maybe if you had a less gentle massage, you might be able to turn better tomorrow on the golf course.” Me: (after 0ne 16 ounce beer and effectively nothing to eat since 10:00) “Sure let’s see what they say.”

So we wander down the street to “Le Best Massage” and see that they advertise a “Golfer’s Massage” – 1 hour for 400 baht ($12) and in we go. The woman who did Terry was not available so after about a five minute discussion, (I’m not sure if they thought they had anybody who could do one) it is Bird who is anointed to welcome me into this world. He tells me to follow him upstairs to the third floor – there is no one else on the floor when we get there. We go into a little room, he closes the door and puts down a tunic and pants on the second bed/table and tells me to change. I go over to get the tunic etc. and he says no – take off clothes. (Is it now I should start to panic?) I take off my shirt and shorts, modestly leaving on the boxer shorts, and climb up on the bed.

Bird covers me with a sheet from the waist down (Ahh, I think) and starts to apply oil to my back and shoulders and working it in. Now, my back is not in good shape and as he works it in, he is getting reflexes and ohs, oohs etc. “Pain?” he says. “Yes,” I say, “but keep going.” which he does. It’s not too bad, I’m thinking. After about 15 minutes, he has done my shoulders, back and arms. He uses his fingers, forearms, elbows and fists when he is working on you. Good stuff. Then he reaches down under the sheet and pushes my boxers down, applying oil to my buttocks. Still, not too panicky until I feel him pushing my legs apart at the end of the table and climbing up between my legs. (No panic, just very very mild unease – after all, I have never had a man between my legs, with oil applied to my butt.) He sits astride me just on my thighs and continues to work on my back and butt, gently rocking back and forth. I didn’t realize there are so many painful areas in the butt. It didn’t help either that he was beginning to breathe a little heavily, due to how hard he had to work. Then he starts working with his hands and elbows on my thighs, and calves. I am so thankful I had on clean underwear! After 15 minutes of this, he tells me to roll over.

He removes the boxers completely, but maintains the sheet over my uh – area – and the leg he isn’t working on. However, by the time he has finished both legs I would say that there are now three people (Terry, Bird and I) who have an intimate, but appropriate knowledge of my uh – area. When he finishes with both legs, he ensures I’m covered up  and starts working with his elbows all the way up my lower body to the “groinal” area. Remember when I said Terry and I had been at the bar and I had a 16 ounce beer? Well, when I walked through the front door, I thought that maybe I should use the facilities but then “Oh, it’s only going to be an hour” Now I’m thinking, please don’t press any harder!!

Are we finished now? No. Bird ensures that the sheet now covers me completely from the waist down and climbs on to the table, sitting astride me and starts working the oil into my chest and shoulders from the front. I am keeping my eyes firmly closed although by now I no longer care what he does. Then he has me sit up at the end of the table and starts doing work on my back – pushing, pulling, stretching, etc.. Now he isn’t a big man, but his weight certainly “weighs” one down. Finally – he says “Finished”. With no modesty whatsoever, I jump up from the table, chat briefly, put my clothes on, rush downstairs, pay the bill, whip over to the ATM and take his tip back. If we were to be staying here much longer, I would go back every night. I feel great.

Plus, having a man sit astride me with no reaction whatsoever, reinforces that “I no Ladyboy“. (I think).

Cooking class, golf and body massage?

We were picked up at our hotel by an elderly man driving one of the many forms of transportation in Chiang Mei–a smallish truck with a covered back, without windows or doors, and lined with benched and both sides.  We’d seen many around the city but this was the first time we were in one.  From the sidewalks they look hot but are surprisingly cool, as the breeze comes in the windows and out the door.  We were the first in and three other stops made, to bring us all to the market we were going to explore prior to our cooking class.  There were 20 of us in all, a good number arriving in other trucks or on their own, many of them late.  These young people…

Pot and Terry

Pot and Terry

At the market, our host, Pot of the Siam Rice Thai Cooking School, showed us all the many flavourful ingredients that would be found in the recipes of the evening.  We were introduced to Thai ginger and eggplant, three different kinds of basil, tumeric, Kaffir lime leaves, different peppercorns, long green beans, lemongrass, green and red curry paste, coconut cream versus coconut milk and palm sugar.  I would have liked to have spent more time there and learned about uses for safflower and a myriad of unidentifiable items, but our time was short and soon we were back in the truck on the way to Pot’s home.

The Prep Table

The Prep Table

Cooking Kitchen for 10

Cooking Kitchen for 10

Pot explained later in the evening that he sacrificed his herb garden to install another kitchen in his back-yard once his business took off and he needed to expand.  Our crowd was divided into two groups of 10, with each having a “kitchen” and a dining area.  One was completely outside; our group ate our meal at an indoor dining room once our cooking was done.  Pot has a staff of half a dozen people who prepped the vegetables and protein for us, once we read the offerings and made our picks of 4 different categories plus one curry paste.  By the end of the evening, each of us had prepared and cooked a soup, a noodle dish, curry paste and a curry dish, and a stir-fry vegetable dish.  Way too much food to eat all of it but we did our best.  I made a green curry paste and dish which were extraordinary!  Green curry has a very unique flavour.  It starts with green curry paste, made up of green hot peppers, basil, garlic and a few other ingredients that do not include tumeric or other spices.  Fry it up and blend it with Thai eggplant, onions, tomatoes and coconut cream–not milk–and you end up with a most marvelous dish.  Yum Yum!!!  Geoff made a Panang curry but instead of reducing the ingredients on high heat, he turned it down, thus loosing the smokey richness that is the signature of this dish.  So sad–Geoff did not pass the course and has to return to try again.  Maybe slow down on the red wine next time, Geoffy!

Simmer over high heat.

Simmer over high heat.

The following day we had a great day on a new golf course, Alpine, so named because it snugs up against the mountains/hills outside Chiang Mei.  What a beautiful course, with narrow fairways and plenty of water but very playable.  The best part of the round? Clearly, once again, the caddies, if only for their names.  Ram and Porn.  Yes, you read it right – P o r n. We joined an ex-pat from Boston and one from Korea who are both living and working in Chiang Mei.  Lots of good conversation and fun.  I had my best game in Thailand but Geoff’s back stopped turning on 15, so he walked the last 3 holes.  No problem–time for Thai massage!

The Chinese could learn something from this kinder, gentler technique.  First, we changed into comfy tunic tops and loose pants then lay on fairly wide, flat beds, big enough for the girls to climb on board.  They use their bodies and not just hands and arms to manipulate, stretch and massage.   Thai people are mostly pretty tiny so you can take it when they press on your hips and thighs with the force of their upper bodies or bend your leg, put their foot just above the back of your knee and pull, leaning away from you.  My arms were twisted in ways I hadn’t done before but all of it felt great!  This was Geoff’s first experience with massage and he seemed to like it, especially the foot massage.  Normally, he can’t stand anyone touching his feet so this was quite amazing.  Maybe tomorrow we go for a pedicure?  Maybe he be a ladyboy after all?

Step one to becoming a Ladyboy.

Making new friends. Step one to becoming a Ladyboy.